Importance of Bonding

As we prepare to bring Kyler home from Rwanda, we felt it necessary to write a letter to our family and friends, letting them know what to expect when we arrive home.  Please take the time to read the following letter.

Dear Family & Friends,

After almost two years on this journey, our sweet baby boy is almost home!  We are overjoyed at God's grace, but we also realize this will be a season of adjustment for our family.  Each of you receiving this letter has supported, loved, and prayed for us throughout this journey.  You each play a very important role in our lives and we are truly blessed because of you.  Because we know you care for our family and new baby, we want to share with you some information that we hope will best equip everyone to assist us in laying the strongest and healthiest foundation – emotionally, physically and spiritually for our child.

In many ways, Kyler will be like the children who entered our family through birth; we will seek to bring all of them up in the instruction and discipline of the Lord. But there will be a few initial differences in the way we have parented in the past.

We know that God’s design for our family is PERFECT!  His plan for parents and children is a beautiful and meaningful picture of His love for us. Attachment between a parent and child occurs over time when a baby has a physical or emotional need and communicates that need. The primary caretaker then meets the need and soothes the child. This repeats between a parent and child over and over to create trust within the child for that parent.  The security provided by parents will, ultimately, give children a trust for and empathy towards others.

Once we arrive home, you may notice us tighten our circle a bit, stay close to home, and we may seem a little less available socially for a while.  Children who come home through adoption have experienced interruptions in this typical attachment process. The loss of a biological mother and father at an early age can be a major trauma on their little hearts.  Kyler will soon experience the loss of familiar and comforting caretakers as well as the sights, smells, and language of his birth country.  When he comes home, he will be overwhelmed by all the newness of our world.  To keep him from being too over stimulated, we plan to limit activities for the 1^st month or so.

In addition to adjusting to a new environment he will also be learning about what it truly means to receive love, and what a family looks like.  To help our son truly understand God’s design for a family, we will also be limiting visitors for the 1^st month after we arrive home.  Kyler has had multiple caregivers while in the orphanage and having only one mommy and daddy will be a foreign concept. 

Our son’s world will also be turned upside down. He will struggle with feeling safe and secure and may lack the ability to trust that we will meet his needs. The good news is that we can now, as his parents and forever family, rebuild attachment and help him heal these emotional wounds.  The most effective way for us to form a parent/child bond is by only having us (the parents) hold, snuggle, feed, soothe, care for, and instruct him.  As this repeats between us, he will be able to learn that parents are safe to trust and to love deeply.  We are, essentially, recreating the newborn/parent connection.  As time goes on this will change based on his needs, but we want to ensure that he is forming a strong attachment to us, his parents first.

Kyler will also have, what may seem like, a lot of structure, boundaries and close proximity to us. Although it may appear that we are spoiling him at times, we have been advised that it is best that we meet every need quickly and consistently so we can help build trust. 

Please know that each of these decisions we have shared with you have been prayerfully and thoughtfully made choices based on many recommendations from multiple case workers & adoptive professionals, personal research, and instruction from trusted adoption mentors.  We will be doing what we believe is best to help our child heal from those interruptions in attachment as effectively as possible.  Why are we telling you all of this?  Because you will actually play an awesome and vital role in helping our baby settle in, heal, and lay a foundation for his future.

Sharing these plans with you is difficult for us because you have openly loved on our other children and we have loved on yours as well, and treasure that connection. Please understand that we want nothing more than to have Kyler hugged, cuddled and cherished by ALL of you. But until he has a firm understanding of family and primary attachments, we need to stick to these guidelines and would be so grateful is you would help us to do so. Here are a few areas in which you can help us as we go through this transition:

·         You each play an important role in our lives, and we do want you to meet the newest members of our family.  But please call before coming over, and don’t be disappointed if we are not allowing visitors or limiting the time of your visit.  This is only in the best interest of our child and teaching him to love and trust us first.

·          It will help us immensely if you limit what is typically considered normal, physical contact with Kyler as well. This will (for a while) include things like holding, feeding, changing, instructing, excessive hugging and kissing, etc.  Children from orphanage settings are prone to attach too easily to anyone and everyone – which hinders the important, primary relationship with parents.  

·         Another area that would help us out greatly is by redirecting Kyler back to us (his parents) to have his physical and emotional needs met.  Orphans often have so many caretakers that they, as a survival mechanism, become overly charming toward all adults. A child struggling to learn to attach may exhibit indiscriminate affection with people outside of their family unit. It may appear harmless and as if they are “very friendly” but this is actually quite dangerous for the child.

·         Even though it may seem like we will have a lot of limitations when we first arrive home, we’d still appreciate your help and support in every way possible because this will be a tough transition for all of us.  So please don’t hesitate to call and see how you can help.  And of course, pray for each of us as we enter this next chapter in our lives.

We know this is a lot of information to take in, so please feel free to ask us any questions at any time. We are learning too, and are grateful that you are seeking with us to help Kyler feel loved, safe, and secure. We are incredibly blessed to have so many loved ones around us. We couldn’t ask for a better extended family & circle of friends for our precious baby. Thank you so much for your love and support over the past 2 years. 

We love you all,
Luke & Becca
Kristin, Kade, & Kyler